Wireless Festival: words fail me

I fell out of love with music festivals a couple of years ago after it was apparent they were becoming a vehicle for morons with little regard for music who just wanted to get high and become a public nuisance.

However, I just have to comment on the line-up for the above festival. It is thus, from the headline act downwards:

James Blunt
Zero 7
Eels
Beth Orton
Nile Rodgers & Chic
The Boy Least Likely To.

Your eyes don't deceive you, that IS the right way round. Let me offer a brief synopsis on what you should expect if you’re attending:

James Blunt – I’m sure you know him very well, unless you were holidaying on Venus for the last six months. A cheap, toothless, army dropout Rod Stewart soundalike. He has released one record* and is somehow, as we live in a nation of halfwits, headlining this festival. He should be ashamed just to set foot on the stage. A travesty if ever there was one.
(*featuring that insipid chart-topper ‘You’re Beautiful’)

Zero 7 – two ex tea-boy producers on their second album who make James Blunt look artistic and vibrant.

eels - Music fans may wish to go home after this slot. Trio from Virginia who have released a string of records to great critical acclaim and are one of the most unique, dynamic and unpredictable bands around. Songwriter Mark Everett has more talent and wit under his foreskin than James Blunt has in his entire body.

Beth Orton – poignant, reflective and stylish singer-songwriter who can count such luminaries as Emmylou Harris and Ryan Adams among her fans. Has embraced various musical genres to great effect.

Nile Rodgers & Chic – I’m still getting over the shock that they’re 5th on this bill. This is CHIC (albeit less Bernard Edwards), one of the most influential, revered and copied bands of all time. Nile Rodgers is a guitar hero. Third-rate copyists the world over stole their bass and guitar lines. ‘Good Times’ was the catalyst for the hip-hop movement. James Blunt isn't fit to polish their shoes. Jesus fucking Christ.

The Boy Least Likely To – who gives a shit.

In a sane world, this bill would be turned on its head. What a sad indictment on people’s tastes that it's come to this. Anyone who disagrees can kiss my arse, don't bother responding as this page is not a democracy. If you believe the line-up reflects the ability of the musicians, you don’t deserve to be reading this article.